World Religions - An Overview

Jesus is the son of god. Or he isn't. It depends on where you live. See, a long time ago, there was this guy, Jesus, and he told everyone how to behave, because they were doing it wrong. This made him important because Earthlings like to be told they're being wrong. It makes the sex better.

Then he died pretty quick. This made him more important, because, here, you can't say bad things about people after they die. You have to get it in while they're alive. That's just the rule.

So he said people were doing it wrong, then he died before enough people could say bad things about him, or he could screw it up, so they made him god's son. Then they had fights about it. Because they couldn't figure out how he was god's son. I mean, did god get pregnant? Or did he just make Jesus? Or was Jesus always there? Or what?

The Jews tried to stay out of it, but, as usual, got blamed.

Then the Jesus people got it settled, so the Mohammed people popped up. They didn't believe Jesus was the son of god. So they got mad and ran around yelling with swords and camels. They mowed right over a bunch of the Jesus people. So the Jesus people got mad and mowed them back. And they've been mowing each other ever since.

And there's also Buddhists and Hindus.

Observer003 - Earthlings

On Backs, Poor Design of

They think they were designed by a god. But their backs say otherwise. There's a spot on them that they can't reach, no matter how much it itches. And it usually itches the most of any part. And it grows pimples like the dickens! I've done the contortioniest things trying to get at them. And the worst is when you can just reach the pimple, but you can't get any leverage. Gah!
Why would a god do that? (And they think he loves them.) Gods are weird in general, but this one? I read the whole book. Not the kind of guy you want to be on the bad side of. And they're always on the bad side of him. Believe me, you don't want to be the people he singles out for special attention. Promises, promises! But, man, god forbid you break your side of the deal. I mean, come on, really? Rain of frogs? Frogs! Raining on you. I'll give him credit for imagination. Rain of fire. Pestilence. Locust. I get those. But frogs? Jeezus.




And he always just wears this hospital gown, if anything at all. I guess when you've lived forever you just let yourself go.

I heard Einstein (this really smart guy) had a closet full of the same outfits. So he didn't have to think about what he was going to wear every day. Maybe it's like that. And it's not like he has anybody he has to impress. Angels? Saints? Please. He made them. He can break them. Snap of the fingers.

Anyway, back to body construction. I'll admit, bipedalism it took me a while to get used to. But, now that I have, I kinda like it. They can dance like you wouldn't believe! Kicking, jumping. And the splits! You should see it! Beautiful.

But, this back thing. Forget it. Gotta go. It's not like you can go up to even your best friend and ask him to pop a zit for you. And with women, it's got to be a fourth or fifth date thing. I don't know. I haven't gotten that far yet.

The Most Highly Evolved Species I Have Yet Encountered

There's these things, "dogs", here and they go, "woof, woof" and that's all, but they rule the world. It must have been like this:

Thousands of years ago they domesticated another species by convincing them to do all the crappiest jobs there are. That species is the Earthlings. The ones you sent me here to study.

They did it through ego. The Earthlings are very smart in the "figuring out how to make things" kind of way. But wicked stuck-up. So dogs went like, "Caves? Really? Okay. Hey, good enough for bears and Neanderthals, right?"

That was all these Earthlings needed. Bam! Huts.

Dogs: "Meh."

Bam! Ziggurats.

And so it went. On up to White Houses.

Dogs no longer have to hunt, build shelter, or evolve thumbs. At one point, Earthlings even had dog-headed gods. Not sure what happened with that.

Dogs don't even have to pay for their own healthcare. It's pretty amazing! Food? Served to them. Housing? Built for them. Clothes? Who needs it? Naked as jay birds!

And cows. I think cows came to the party too late. Cows are slow, pretty defenseless and got plenty of meat. Pretty sucky life in a world of predators. So they cut a deal with the dogs. Now, they have fences around them. And easy eating. And, when they die, they don't have to do it with a lion chomping at their throat. And the rest of the pack starting dinner early. Death goes, Bam! Quick and easy. But the deal they cut with the dogs is, afterwords, the dogs get a share. More easy meat for the dogs.

I'll draw a person and send it next time. I don't feel like it now.

Observer003