Earthling
toilets. As soon as the light go out, they all shift a little bit
back and to the right. I think Earthling women have the right idea:
sit on them. That way, if they try to inch away, they have to take
you with them. I guess I can't blame the toilets though, considering
what their life is about.
And
that reminds me. There are animals here called monkeys that are
closely related to Earthlings. And they all throw poop. Their own
poop. They throw it at each other or other animals. But Earthlings
don't. That means there has to have been an Earthling somewhere who
went, “Hey! Throwing poop sucks and not just for the recipient.
Look at me. I've got poop all over my hand now. And this is the hand
I eat with. How did I not notice this before? No wonder I've been
sick. I've been eating my own poop. Jeezus, I'm stopping this right
now.”
Then:
“Guys!
Guys! I just - stop it! I just – Ahg! Wait! I just figured some–
Auk! That wen in my mouf! Oh, gawd! Okay, truce! Truce! I just
figured this out. Look at your hands now. See? And you're going to
eat with those hands?”
And
this is the Earthling they're all descended from. I'm glad of it. If
I saw them all throwing poop around when I got here? Right back. No
way I'm sitting around and watching this all day.
But
anyway, that's how Earthlings came to dominate their world. Because,
it's not like you're going to take down an elk with a poop, I don't
care how big it is. I mean, you could let it sit out for days, but
it's never going to get hard enough to do any damage. You're going to
need a spear or a good rock. If you want steak, anyway. Plus, the
fruit's just going to taste so much better. It'd be like
they'd never tasted fruit before.
It
probably caused a revolution they spread to other tribes. The first
religion. And its first commandment: “First, throw no poop”.
It
was a start.
But
it always seems to go downhill from there for them. Earthlings
religions start off really nice. “Be good to each other, even
strangers”, “Hey, look at this tree”, “Stop beating up on
women”, “We really have to stop all this killing”, “Share!”.
Then
somebody fanatical gets in charge and they start making bad rules. No
homos. Women have to shut up. Your way of loving each other is wrong.
Convert or die. I've always thought that the worst thing about
Earthlings is that they keep trying to make their world a better
place to live in.
