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European History from the Late Middle Ages to Modernity

There is this group of Earthlings who went crazy for a long time and took over most of the planet. Then after one last blazing fling about 70 years ago, they mellowed out. They don’t take over anything anymore.

It all started when the Europeans realized that a group of people who believed something surprisingly not all that different from what they believed controlled a city that the Europeans believed was important to what they believed.. That really pissed them off. So they raised a huge army and attacked those other people, called Muslims, and took the city, Jerusalem. Then the Muslims took it back. Then the Europeans took it again. And the Muslims took it back. This went on for a while with the Europeans getting decreasingly successful at it.

They gave up.

Then they found out about all the land there was in the rest of the world and the people in it who didn’t believe anything like what they believed. And they might have gold.  So the Europeans switched focus to saving all these other people from their beliefs and their gold.

And this made the lives of these other people a living hell because they were usually pretty happy living their lives without ships, swords, Jesus and horses. And they definitely could have done without the slavery.

But it all fell apart when the Europeans realized even they didn't all believe the same thing. Because getting beliefs exactly right is very important to Earthlings. If you are even slightly off they get very violent. This is what brought the Europeans down. They spent a lot of time killing each other over it. (If I told you how many wars have been fought in the name of the King of Peace, you'd call me a liar.)

In the end, it seemed like they were fighting just to fight. So finally they said, “This is crazy. We are done with this.” They really seem to have learned their lesson and are really trying to get along.

But one of their descendants, the Americans, picked up the crazy ball and are really running with it. And going by the fact that the Europeans ran with it for hundreds of years and went out with a really big bang, I don't think the Americans are going to stop any time soon. They’ve got a full head of steam.

The moral here is if an Earthling shows up on your shore saying, “I come in the name of [X] to bring you [Y],” run. As deep into your jungles as you can. And whatever you do, don't tell them you're not interested. They will brand you a heretic, or a communist, or whatever the current wrong thing to be is. (Socialist is big now.) This will make you fair game for torture, forfeiture of natural resources and enslavement. Come to think of it, it doesn't matter how you respond. You're still fit for torture, forfeiture of natural resources and enslavement.

As I said, run.

Observer003 – Earthlings

Fuzzy Barriers in Earthling Linguistic Structures

If you speak English, which, if you're going to be an Earthling, you really should do, then one of the most important words you need to know is “shit”. It is the most versatile and can get you through most situations.

Shit literally means feces or to excrete feces. But it's rarely used for that.

As a noun, it can be a compliment. Or an insult, depending on which article you use. If someone calls you the shit, that's a compliment. A shit is an insult. Unless you modify it by temperature. A cold shit is still bad. But a cool shit is good. As is a hot shit. I'm not sure about in-between temperatures, though; I've never heard someone called a room temperature shit. Neither a toasty shit.

Shit can also mean “stuff”. I found this out when a friend asked me to help him move into a new apartment.

“I need some help moving my shit.”

Long beat.

“Your what?”

“My shit. C'mon, man. Many hands make light work.”

“Why- What- … How much?”

“Hey, I helped you move your shit when you got that new place.”

“My...”

Long beat.

“Ohhhh. Right. Sure. What time?”

As a verb, shit mostly means to lie to.

“Are you shitting me?”

“No. And I think it would be pretty obvious to us both if I were.”

“Why? You don't think you have what it takes to look me in the eye and shit me?”

“Clearly that would be impossible. Especially at first.”

“You better not be shitting me.”

“You would be the first to know. Or, at least the second.”

Another use of shit is in a phrase indicating anger.

“How mad was she?”

“She shit a brick!”

Which doesn't hold up to scrutiny. While I have never shat a brick, of all the emotions I might feel during the process, I don't think anger would be one of them. Fear springs to mind. Also confusion.

“How confused was she?”

“She looked as though she were shitting a brick!”

That might make more sense.

And afterward might come relief.

In fact, shit is used in so many phrases that you're better off just learing what the correct responses to them are, rather than what they mean.

Like:

“I'm not going to take any shit from you.”

INCORRECT: “You didn't have to tell me that; it is a base assumption.”

CORRECT: [situation dependent]

“Are you shitting me?”

INCORRECT: “While I imagine there might be some confusion at first, I think that once your eyes cleared my anus, it would be pretty obvious if I was shitting you. I think a good rule of thumb would be that once your mouth if free enough to ask that question, you shouldn't need to ask it.”

CORRECT: “I shit you not.”

“What's this shit?”

INCORRECT: “Do you really need a modifier for that noun? Shit is shit.”

CORRECT: [situation dependent]

“Bull shit.”

INCORRECT: “Where?”

CORRECT: “No, seriously.”

“Holy shit!”

INCORRECT: “Oh, come on. Is there anything you people won't worship?”

ALSO INCORRECT: “This I have got to see.”

CORRECT: “What?”

“Fuck that shit.”

INCORRECT: “I most certainly will not!”

CORRECT: “I hear you.”

Mostly though, shit is just an interjection indicating that an outcome was contrary to one's desire or expectation.

“Shit! I got pregnant.”

“Shit! I robbed a bank.”

“Shit! I betrayed the messiah.”

- Observer003 - Earthlings

Africa, Cradle of Mankind

Africa is where Earthlings became Earthlings, but after that everything that was ever important to Earthlings happened somewhere else. Africa has been sitting on its laurels for thirty thousand years, easy. It is the high school football star who now works at the convenience store of continents.

It's where Earthlings evolved, and it had the Egyptians, who weren't too shabby. But lately? Nothing. I don't think they even created their own writing there (except the Egyptians).

C'mon Africa. You can do this. Remember the opposable thumb? That was huge. And nobody did walking upright and the domestication of fire like you did.

Is it because the Earthlings left you? Moved on to other continents? Are you feeling used?

Snap out of it. Not all the Earthlings left you. It's time you thought about the ones who stayed. And look at what those others have done. War and environmental degradation? Who needs them.

You think Europe is happy? It looks like a diseased penis with erectile dysfunction. And if Europe is the penis, then Asia is the butt. The butt with a vestigial tail. And all those poopy little islands around it aren't helping. Japan must have been a big fiber day.

I have no idea what North America is going for and South America looks like it's trying to look like you. And failing.

“You mean like this? Is this right?” No. Sorry South America.

Antarctica? Just look at the picture. I don't want to repeat myself.

And Australia clearly isn't trying. It's like a blob land mass fell off the creator's pallet and he didn't bother to clean it up.

Then there's you. The shape of a demon skull. The great, horned beast. Feral and feared. Get back on that horse, Africa. You're time has come again.

- Observer003 - Earthlings

Economic Myth Exposed Via Testi-Pedal Impact

I know an Earthling woman who quit her job to work in the sex industry.

“The Sex Industry”, like most things on Earth, is not what it sounds like. Factories do not dot the landscape where “sex” is manufactured. Although there are factories where sex toys, of which they have many, are manufactured. They have powered sex toys; you have to plug them in.

And the majority of these devises are for female Earthlings. And, considering the level of technology available, I'm amazed they even put up with the males anymore. You wouldn't believe this stuff. And you would think this would be a big tip off. If your partner is so dissatisfied that she has to tax the electrical grid, you've got a problem.

But no. Earthling males have a hyper-inflated opinion of the size of their sex organ, and of its innate ability to please.

Thus, the sex toys.

And sex toys are usually built in a country other than the one where they are sold.

I've often wondered what warped, or, more probably, highly accurate, view these people have of the people in the other country.

I've also wondered what people who work in these places tell other people they do.

“I work down at the factory.”

“Oh? I've always wondered what they make there.”

“Yeah.”

“So?”

“Hmm?”

“What do they make there?”

“Oh, um, rubber ... and latex based electronics.”

“Oh, like cooking utensils?”

“Sure. Okay. I can imagine, in a pinch, using them to push something around a frying pan, yes. Or to froth something up, definitely.”

Anyway, that woman I know. She specializes in dominant/submissive relationships. She ties her customers up because they feel inferior and reminds them that they feel inferior, which makes them feel good.

She gets paid to do this.

There's one guy who paid her to tie him up and kick him in the nuts over the course of an afternoon. When I heard this, I realized that there's really no excuse to not have a job. If there are people out there who are willing to pay you to kick them in the nuts for an afternoon, the dream of full employment is within the Earthlings' grasp.

Observer003 – Earthlings

Foundational Mythology of the Earthling Western Hemisphere – Part II

Last time I talked about the Israelites, they'd just escaped the Egyptian army when their god (Yahweh) blew his nose at the sea so they could get across. Then Yahweh stopped blowing his nose at the sea and the water came back and drowned the Egyptians when they tried to cross after them. Which the Egyptians really should have seen coming; It's the basis of every Road Runner cartoon I've ever seen. Yeah, they didn't have cartoons back then, but still. Come on.

Anyway, after this, the Israelites decided to regroup at this mountain called Sinai so Moses could tell them their next move. This is when Yahweh decided to explain the whole deal to them. It was essentially a protection racket. “You worship me, and only me, and obey these rules, and I'll never let anyone hurt you and give you this really sweet place to live.”

* * * * *

But on the way there, the Israelites got attacked by Amalek (I'm not sure if that's a person or a country). But so long as Moses kept his arms raised the Israelites won. But when he lowered them, they started to lose. Weirdest battle strategy I ever heard of. So the battle went back and forth because Moses's arms would get tired, because battles last a long time and he just couldn't keep his arms up that long. Then he realized he should just sit down and have two guys hold his arms up.

And Yahweh was so pumped from this that he was all like, "Woo-hoo! Oh yeah! I'm going to wipe Amalek from history! No one will even remember they even existed!! Write it down! Write it down that no one will ever remember Amalek even existed."

So the Israelites wrote it down in their book. A book, by the way, that's been translated into every known Earthling language.

* * * * *

After that, they made it to Mount Sinai. There, Yahweh called Moses up the mountain to lay down the law to him. And it was a lot of law. The whole first part was basically about how everybody should be cool with each other, no stealing, and if you break something you have to pay for it. But he sprinkled in some random stuff, I think as a test to see if anybody actually did the reading.

He'd be like, “So you read it all?”

And the Israelites would be like, “Oh, absolutely.”

“Seriously?”

“Totally.”

“Word for word?”

“Word for word.”

“Okay, great. So what's for dinner?”

“Oh, we're just going to have a little lamb boiled in it's mother's m-”

“AH HAH!”

Like that.

The next part of the rules were all about how to build the ultimate crash pad that Yahweh could stay in when he came to visit. He was very specific about size and materials. Very specific. Like he'd been thinking about it a long time. Like, the whole time the Israelites were suffering in Egypt, Yahweh was off thinking about his ultimate crash pad. It was just a tent, but he knew exactly how it should look. And they also had to build a special box to put all the rules he was giving them in. And what the priests should wear.

Then there was a whole part about how to cook out. And Yahweh must have gone vegan at this point, but reluctantly, because he wasn't going to eat the animals they sacrificed to him, but he did love the smell. He was like a guy who quits smoking but still likes to be around other people who smoke just for the smell. Maybe he was dating a vegan so he had to be one, too.

And Moses must have been, like, “Jeezus, This is a lot of stuff. I can't remember all of it.”

“Oh, no problem. I wrote it all down for you.”

And Yahweh handed him these two tablets.

“What? You got all that on two tablets? Everything?”

“Yeah. Well, front and back. And I took out all the spaces and vowels.”

But, in getting all this, Moses was up on the mountain forty days in a cloud of smoke. It says the whole top of the mountain was covered in smoke. I guess Yahweh wasn't a smokeless burning bush. And Yahweh didn't want any of the Israelites to go up on the mountain with Moses. (There was some kind of security fence around it that killed anyone who set foot on it.) Maybe because if someone got up there, they were bound to find out that Yahweh was a burning bush and wouldn't have understood.

He's just up there talking to a burning bush.”

“A what?”

“I'm not kidding. He's talking to a burning bush.”

“And the bush is talking back?”

“I guess so. I didn't get that close. One thing I did hear: No more shellfish.”

“What?”

“Dude, we're in a desert. It's not really an issue.”

“That's not the point. Like circumcision wasn't enough, now no more Lobsterfests?”

“Wait. Let's get back to that burning bush. This is what Moses has been talking to the whole time? Seriously, who here actually knew Moses before any of this?”

“Wasn't he wanted for murder? I heard he killed a guy. That's why he left.”

“I heard he was 40 years herding sheep. That's gotta mess with your mind.”

“That's what the smoke was at the front of the line? All this time we were like, 'Okay, cool. Somebody brought the hibachi.' Because we left in such a hurry, we forgot ours. But now we know why the burgers never made it back to us.”

And it spiraled from there.

“A flaming shrub? Has anybody besides Moses heard it talk? Maybe – and I'm just spit balling here – but maybe we should take half a mo and talk about this. Because I never heard Abraham, Isaac or Jacob mention a burning shrub. And I think it would have come up. A golden calf. That was always good enough before. Aaron? You're good with a hammer. How about hammering us up a nice golden calf. Who's with me? Because, after all this, I could use a party. Anyone else? Show of hands? Yeah, I thought so.”

So they collected all of their gold earrings and Aaron made them into a nice golden calf for them to party with. They ate, drank and danced with it. Because you could do that with gods back then. But not with Yahweh. He heard about it and got pissed. He was going to wipe them all out right there and Moses had to talk him down.

Then Moses went down the mountain to check it out for himself and when he saw it, he was so blown away that he dropped the tablets Yahweh had just given him. Shattered them. The only ones not partying was this tribe called the Levites. So he tells them to grab their swords and go at it. Which they did. They cut a pretty bloody swath through the Golden Calfers. Which was less than what Yahweh wanted to do, but not by much. But I think Moses was mostly mad that he dropped the tablets, because he had to go back up the mountain and get another set, which was another forty days.

And pious as he was, forty days was forty days. He had a wife he hadn't seen.

* * * * *

I was really thinking I was going to be able to explain these people in two reports. I see now how wrong I was. I may never finish, but I will continue.

Because, the amazing thing is, so many Earthlings trace their roots to them, even though neither they, nor their ancestors, spent any time amongst them. There are Earthlings who hate* the descendents of these people, but still trace their roots back to these people.

So, yeah, I'll have to get back to this story.

- Observer003 - Earthlings

*And I do mean hate. Hate as in they want to wipe-them-off-the-face-of-the-Earth hate.

You Actually Don't Want To Be Taken To Their Leaders

Politics is when Earthlings try and figure out who has had the least sex with the fewest people, as long as they have had it with at least one, other than themselves or someone the same sex. The person who lies about this the best gets to be leader. This is very weird because when I was going through their educational system, this list of the most electable people would be the list you most didn't want to be on. You wanted to be on the list of the nearly least electable people. (The only less electable people are gays and virgins.) So they tend to elect losers. But not virgins. Or women, even though women in their educational system wanted to be on the most electable list.

Sometimes they get it wrong. This is called a scandal, which is when male politicians who unsuccessfully have private lives have to quit and write a book and go on talk shows. Female ones have to - I don't know. There are so few of them that I haven't seen one have have a scandal yet.

* * * * *

Talk shows are things where Earthlings talk about how they are so ashamed of something they did that they can't even talk about it. Except with people they don't know so the people they don't know feel good because at least their lives aren't as crappy as this person's. And in between, they sell you soap. Earthlings need refreshing a lot, based on their soaps. And invigorating. And the smell of soap really does this for them! I mean, I've tried smelling soap and it really does nothing for me. But something about Earthling physiology is really zoomed up by smelly soap.

* * * * *

Politicians can wipe away a scandal by being “born again”. Which is strange, because wiping away a scandal by coming out of a woman again would seem the least likely way to erase all the trouble they got into by going into women to begin with. I guess the idea is that if you convince a woman to let a full grown you climb all the way up inside her and then back out again you must be pretty contrite. They never mention who the woman is that let them do this. I guess because no woman would want the whole world to know how blown out her vagina must be now.