If you speak English, which, if you're
going to be an Earthling, you really should do, then one of the most
important words you need to know is “shit”. It is the most
versatile and can get you through most situations.
Shit literally means feces or to
excrete feces. But it's rarely used for that.
As a noun, it can be a compliment. Or
an insult, depending on which article you use. If someone calls you
the shit, that's a compliment. A shit is an insult.
Unless you modify it by temperature. A cold shit is still bad. But a
cool shit is good. As is a hot shit. I'm not sure about in-between
temperatures, though; I've never heard someone called a room
temperature shit. Neither a toasty shit.
Shit can also mean “stuff”. I found
this out when a friend asked me to help him move into a new
apartment.
“I need some help moving my shit.”
Long beat.
“Your what?”
“My shit. C'mon, man. Many hands make
light work.”
“Why- What- … How much?”
“Hey, I helped you move your shit
when you got that new place.”
“My...”
Long beat.
“Ohhhh. Right. Sure. What time?”
As a verb, shit mostly means to lie to.
“Are you shitting me?”
“No. And I think it would be
pretty obvious to us both if I were.”
“Why? You don't think you have what
it takes to look me in the eye and shit me?”
“Clearly that would be impossible.
Especially at first.”
“You better not be shitting
me.”
“You would be the first to know. Or,
at least the
second.”
Another use of shit is in a phrase
indicating anger.
“How mad was she?”
“She shit a brick!”
Which doesn't hold up to scrutiny.
While I have never shat a brick, of all the emotions I might feel
during the process, I don't think anger would be one of them. Fear
springs to mind. Also confusion.
“How confused was she?”
“She looked as though she were
shitting a brick!”
That might make more sense.
And afterward might come relief.
In fact, shit is used in so many
phrases that you're better off just learing what the correct
responses to them are, rather than what they mean.
Like:
“I'm not going to take any shit from
you.”
INCORRECT: “You didn't have to tell
me that; it is a base assumption.”
CORRECT: [situation dependent]
“Are you shitting me?”
INCORRECT: “While I imagine there
might be some confusion at first, I think that once your eyes cleared
my anus, it would be pretty obvious if I was shitting you. I think a
good rule of thumb would be that once your mouth if free enough to
ask that question, you shouldn't need to ask it.”
CORRECT: “I shit you not.”
“What's this shit?”
INCORRECT: “Do you really need a
modifier for that noun? Shit is shit.”
CORRECT: [situation dependent]
“Bull shit.”
INCORRECT: “Where?”
CORRECT: “No, seriously.”
“Holy shit!”
INCORRECT: “Oh, come on. Is there
anything you people won't worship?”
ALSO INCORRECT: “This I have
got to see.”
CORRECT: “What?”
“Fuck that shit.”
INCORRECT: “I most certainly will
not!”
CORRECT: “I hear you.”
Mostly though, shit is just an
interjection indicating that an outcome was contrary to one's desire
or expectation.
“Shit! I got pregnant.”
“Shit! I robbed a bank.”
“Shit! I betrayed the messiah.”
- Observer003 -
Earthlings
