Earthling Sexual Habits - An Introduction

Sex is confusing because each gender is called a sex, and what they do together is also called sex. So, a noun is also a verb. They do that a lot here but you have to stay on top of this one because it can cause a lot of trouble when filling out forms. A good rule of thumb is: when in doubt, go with the noun.

They have two main noun sexes, but there's a lot of wiggle room between them. But I'm not going to talk about the wiggly one's in the middle right now, because no matter what you say, someone gets pissed.

Verb sex is when one or more Earthlings rub one or more of their primary sex parts together. This makes friction and juices. But not like good juices. Not orange juice or even apple juice or lemonade. Definitely not grapefruit juice, which is my favorite. Sex juices are more for making it easier to have babies. But mostly they don't do it to have babies. Unless they really believe in god a lot.

The whole thing is pretty complicated, so I'm going to split it into at least two parts. One for each sex. Until then, here's a basic overview of the parts involved.


Primary Sex Part - Man
Mr. Johnson
also: The Twins

Secondary Sex Parts - Man
Fingers
Fist
Mouth
The Behind (Note: if it's with other men - rarely admitted. Alcohol often involved.)
Foot, Toes
Elbow (rare)



Primary Sex Part - Woman
The Hoo-Hoo

Secondary Sex Parts - Woman
Mouth
Whole Hand
Feet
Cleavage
The Behind (usually considered a Specialty, or alcohol involved.)



Other Things
There's just really too many to go into here. Maybe in another report. Suffice it to say that it really amazes me that girls ever bother with boys anymore.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Archeology

Earthlings a long time ago hated housework. They never did it. When Earthling archeologists dig up old cities now, it's just complete slobbery. Broken pottery, cow bones, seeds, statuary. Ashes. Soot. Art supplies. Things fell and they just left them there. And when they finally got sick of stepping all over them, they just built a whole new house on top of the old house.

The Tower of Babel was just hating housework on an epic scale. They built it up so tall it just fell over. There was so much pottery everywhere the ended up having to build a whole new city. Nightmare.

But this all works out good for Earthling archeologists. They dig down into a city to to find all the layers of the city that came before. So, they can say, "See? This is Mycenaean pottery. So this is when they met the Mycenaeans."

So, slobbiness is good for the future. So, why did they start up with all the house cleaning?

It was the broom that stopped them from building house on house on house. I call it "The Broom Revolution." It was huge. (The revolution, not the broom.) Nobody ever talks about it, but it's up there. The wheel. Agriculture. The broom.

Fire was another good one. But the broom. That was huge.

"Hey honey. I'm home from scything. What's - say what's different around here?"

Honey makes a knowing smirk.

"Oh, my god! What's wrong with the floor? Where's all the stuff on the floor?

"Take a look outside."

He does.

"It's all outside. How did you get it all outside? You picked up each piece and carried it outside individually?"

"Nope"

"Well, how then?"

So she showed him. And their world was never the same.

Observer003 - Earthlings

World History - Part I

I'll start with the Egyptians even though they walked funny. Why did they do that? Sideways. Very strange. It's why they always rode in chariots and had to get the Jews to do all the heavy lifting. And when they left, everything went downhill until they got conquered by Alexander the Great, who wasn't Greek.

Anyway, Egyptians. They built pyramids at first but then they stopped. I think they gave up on it because they were like, "Jeezus, all this for one dead guy? We better not have too many dead guys if this is what we're going to do for each one. I mean, I can see doing it for somebody important. But for everybody? Jeezus. That's a lot of rock. Do the Hittites do this? Does anybody know? We gotta look into that."

Nobody really knows how they did it, but some Earthlings think it was aliens. (Not Mexicans. The aliens that come from space. Like us.) Which is nuts, because why would any of us do that? Come all the way here and build a pyramid just so they can put one dead guy in it? I mean, that's a lot of rock. Do you know any of us who would do that? Me neither. Nuts.

It's weird how much they do for dead people. Even more than they do fro alive people. I've sen dead people buried in nicer beds than most alive people get. And they say nicer things and throw nicer parties for dead people than they ever get when they are alive.

Anyway, up next: The Greeks. Or maybe the Hittites. I haven't decided.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Climate

Wind is funny because, look: when you have an area of high pressure and an area of low pressure, they have to balance out. So the extra air moves from where there's a lot, to where there's a little. This is wind.

But the funny wind is the little gusts. It's like a little clump of air that wandered off at the museum and didn't get back to the school bus on time. So it goes "Oops" and runs after the rest of itself. Gusts are like ADD air.
I know it does the same thing back home, but I always thought it was funny and wanted to say it.

Other than this the weather is pretty normal. Some places it's hot all the time. Other places it's cold all the time. Other places can't make up their minds. This is actually most of the places. So you don't know what to wear half the time.

I always wonder about the people who were wandering around, looking for a new place to live, and they stopped in one of the really cold places. I can't imagine what they were thinking. And all they get to eat is blubber. Whale blubber. Seal blubber. I don't know what other blubbers there are. But I can't believe there's any much difference in them.

"What do you say, people? All the blubber you could eat, and say good-bye to mowing the lawn! And there's so much ice we could make houses out of it. I'm serious. I bet we could really do that."
"Okay, Gamoo. How about this: You stay here and start setting up camp. We're going to scout a little further ahead just to see what's there. Promise we'll be back by nightfall."

Of course, nobody knew it, but lucky for that group, nightfall was still another 5 months away.

There's more to this. So, I'll have to revisit it at some point.


Observer003 - Earthlings