Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
European History from the Late Middle Ages to Modernity
There is this group of
Earthlings who went crazy for a long time and took over most of the
planet. Then after one last blazing fling about 70 years ago, they
mellowed out. They don’t take over anything anymore.
It all started when the
Europeans realized that a group of people who believed something
surprisingly not all that different from what they believed
controlled a city that the Europeans believed was important to what
they believed.. That really pissed them off. So they raised a huge
army and attacked those other people, called Muslims, and took the
city, Jerusalem. Then the Muslims took it back. Then the Europeans
took it again. And the Muslims took it back. This went on for a while
with the Europeans getting decreasingly successful at it.
They gave up.
Then they found out about
all the land there was in the rest of the world and the people in it
who didn’t believe anything like what they believed. And they might
have gold. So the Europeans switched focus to saving all these other
people from their beliefs and their gold.
And this made the lives of
these other people a living hell because they were usually pretty
happy living their lives without ships, swords, Jesus and horses. And
they definitely could have done without the slavery.
But
it all fell apart when the Europeans realized even they didn't all
believe the same thing. Because getting beliefs exactly right is very
important to Earthlings. If you are even slightly off they get very
violent. This is what brought the Europeans down. They spent a lot of
time killing each other over it. (If I told you how many wars have
been fought in the name of the King of Peace, you'd call me a liar.)
In
the end, it seemed like they were fighting just to fight. So
finally they said, “This is crazy. We are done with this.” They
really seem to have learned their lesson and are really trying to get
along.
But
one of their descendants, the Americans, picked up the crazy ball and
are really running with it. And going by the fact that the Europeans
ran with it for hundreds of years and went out with a really big
bang, I don't think the Americans are going to stop any time soon.
They’ve got a full head of steam.
The moral here is if an
Earthling shows up on your shore saying, “I come in the name of [X]
to bring you [Y],” run. As deep into your jungles as you can. And
whatever you do, don't tell them you're not interested. They will
brand you a heretic, or a communist, or whatever the current wrong
thing to be is. (Socialist is big now.) This will make you fair game
for torture, forfeiture of natural resources and enslavement. Come to
think of it, it doesn't matter how you respond. You're still fit for
torture, forfeiture of natural resources and enslavement.
As I said, run.
Observer003
– Earthlings
Monday, February 25, 2013
Fuzzy Barriers in Earthling Linguistic Structures
If you speak English, which, if you're
going to be an Earthling, you really should do, then one of the most
important words you need to know is “shit”. It is the most
versatile and can get you through most situations.
Shit literally means feces or to
excrete feces. But it's rarely used for that.
As a noun, it can be a compliment. Or
an insult, depending on which article you use. If someone calls you
the shit, that's a compliment. A shit is an insult.
Unless you modify it by temperature. A cold shit is still bad. But a
cool shit is good. As is a hot shit. I'm not sure about in-between
temperatures, though; I've never heard someone called a room
temperature shit. Neither a toasty shit.
Shit can also mean “stuff”. I found
this out when a friend asked me to help him move into a new
apartment.
“I need some help moving my shit.”
Long beat.
“Your what?”
“My shit. C'mon, man. Many hands make
light work.”
“Why- What- … How much?”
“Hey, I helped you move your shit
when you got that new place.”
“My...”
Long beat.
“Ohhhh. Right. Sure. What time?”
As a verb, shit mostly means to lie to.
“Are you shitting me?”
“No. And I think it would be
pretty obvious to us both if I were.”
“Why? You don't think you have what
it takes to look me in the eye and shit me?”
“Clearly that would be impossible.
Especially at first.”
“You better not be shitting
me.”
“You would be the first to know. Or,
at least the
second.”
Another use of shit is in a phrase
indicating anger.
“How mad was she?”
“She shit a brick!”
Which doesn't hold up to scrutiny.
While I have never shat a brick, of all the emotions I might feel
during the process, I don't think anger would be one of them. Fear
springs to mind. Also confusion.
“How confused was she?”
“She looked as though she were
shitting a brick!”
That might make more sense.
And afterward might come relief.
In fact, shit is used in so many
phrases that you're better off just learing what the correct
responses to them are, rather than what they mean.
Like:
“I'm not going to take any shit from
you.”
INCORRECT: “You didn't have to tell
me that; it is a base assumption.”
CORRECT: [situation dependent]
“Are you shitting me?”
INCORRECT: “While I imagine there
might be some confusion at first, I think that once your eyes cleared
my anus, it would be pretty obvious if I was shitting you. I think a
good rule of thumb would be that once your mouth if free enough to
ask that question, you shouldn't need to ask it.”
CORRECT: “I shit you not.”
“What's this shit?”
INCORRECT: “Do you really need a
modifier for that noun? Shit is shit.”
CORRECT: [situation dependent]
“Bull shit.”
INCORRECT: “Where?”
CORRECT: “No, seriously.”
“Holy shit!”
INCORRECT: “Oh, come on. Is there
anything you people won't worship?”
ALSO INCORRECT: “This I have
got to see.”
CORRECT: “What?”
“Fuck that shit.”
INCORRECT: “I most certainly will
not!”
CORRECT: “I hear you.”
Mostly though, shit is just an
interjection indicating that an outcome was contrary to one's desire
or expectation.
“Shit! I got pregnant.”
“Shit! I robbed a bank.”
“Shit! I betrayed the messiah.”
- Observer003 -
Earthlings
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)