Foundational Mythology of the Earthling Western Hemisphere – Part II

Last time I talked about the Israelites, they'd just escaped the Egyptian army when their god (Yahweh) blew his nose at the sea so they could get across. Then Yahweh stopped blowing his nose at the sea and the water came back and drowned the Egyptians when they tried to cross after them. Which the Egyptians really should have seen coming; It's the basis of every Road Runner cartoon I've ever seen. Yeah, they didn't have cartoons back then, but still. Come on.

Anyway, after this, the Israelites decided to regroup at this mountain called Sinai so Moses could tell them their next move. This is when Yahweh decided to explain the whole deal to them. It was essentially a protection racket. “You worship me, and only me, and obey these rules, and I'll never let anyone hurt you and give you this really sweet place to live.”

* * * * *

But on the way there, the Israelites got attacked by Amalek (I'm not sure if that's a person or a country). But so long as Moses kept his arms raised the Israelites won. But when he lowered them, they started to lose. Weirdest battle strategy I ever heard of. So the battle went back and forth because Moses's arms would get tired, because battles last a long time and he just couldn't keep his arms up that long. Then he realized he should just sit down and have two guys hold his arms up.

And Yahweh was so pumped from this that he was all like, "Woo-hoo! Oh yeah! I'm going to wipe Amalek from history! No one will even remember they even existed!! Write it down! Write it down that no one will ever remember Amalek even existed."

So the Israelites wrote it down in their book. A book, by the way, that's been translated into every known Earthling language.

* * * * *

After that, they made it to Mount Sinai. There, Yahweh called Moses up the mountain to lay down the law to him. And it was a lot of law. The whole first part was basically about how everybody should be cool with each other, no stealing, and if you break something you have to pay for it. But he sprinkled in some random stuff, I think as a test to see if anybody actually did the reading.

He'd be like, “So you read it all?”

And the Israelites would be like, “Oh, absolutely.”

“Seriously?”

“Totally.”

“Word for word?”

“Word for word.”

“Okay, great. So what's for dinner?”

“Oh, we're just going to have a little lamb boiled in it's mother's m-”

“AH HAH!”

Like that.

The next part of the rules were all about how to build the ultimate crash pad that Yahweh could stay in when he came to visit. He was very specific about size and materials. Very specific. Like he'd been thinking about it a long time. Like, the whole time the Israelites were suffering in Egypt, Yahweh was off thinking about his ultimate crash pad. It was just a tent, but he knew exactly how it should look. And they also had to build a special box to put all the rules he was giving them in. And what the priests should wear.

Then there was a whole part about how to cook out. And Yahweh must have gone vegan at this point, but reluctantly, because he wasn't going to eat the animals they sacrificed to him, but he did love the smell. He was like a guy who quits smoking but still likes to be around other people who smoke just for the smell. Maybe he was dating a vegan so he had to be one, too.

And Moses must have been, like, “Jeezus, This is a lot of stuff. I can't remember all of it.”

“Oh, no problem. I wrote it all down for you.”

And Yahweh handed him these two tablets.

“What? You got all that on two tablets? Everything?”

“Yeah. Well, front and back. And I took out all the spaces and vowels.”

But, in getting all this, Moses was up on the mountain forty days in a cloud of smoke. It says the whole top of the mountain was covered in smoke. I guess Yahweh wasn't a smokeless burning bush. And Yahweh didn't want any of the Israelites to go up on the mountain with Moses. (There was some kind of security fence around it that killed anyone who set foot on it.) Maybe because if someone got up there, they were bound to find out that Yahweh was a burning bush and wouldn't have understood.

He's just up there talking to a burning bush.”

“A what?”

“I'm not kidding. He's talking to a burning bush.”

“And the bush is talking back?”

“I guess so. I didn't get that close. One thing I did hear: No more shellfish.”

“What?”

“Dude, we're in a desert. It's not really an issue.”

“That's not the point. Like circumcision wasn't enough, now no more Lobsterfests?”

“Wait. Let's get back to that burning bush. This is what Moses has been talking to the whole time? Seriously, who here actually knew Moses before any of this?”

“Wasn't he wanted for murder? I heard he killed a guy. That's why he left.”

“I heard he was 40 years herding sheep. That's gotta mess with your mind.”

“That's what the smoke was at the front of the line? All this time we were like, 'Okay, cool. Somebody brought the hibachi.' Because we left in such a hurry, we forgot ours. But now we know why the burgers never made it back to us.”

And it spiraled from there.

“A flaming shrub? Has anybody besides Moses heard it talk? Maybe – and I'm just spit balling here – but maybe we should take half a mo and talk about this. Because I never heard Abraham, Isaac or Jacob mention a burning shrub. And I think it would have come up. A golden calf. That was always good enough before. Aaron? You're good with a hammer. How about hammering us up a nice golden calf. Who's with me? Because, after all this, I could use a party. Anyone else? Show of hands? Yeah, I thought so.”

So they collected all of their gold earrings and Aaron made them into a nice golden calf for them to party with. They ate, drank and danced with it. Because you could do that with gods back then. But not with Yahweh. He heard about it and got pissed. He was going to wipe them all out right there and Moses had to talk him down.

Then Moses went down the mountain to check it out for himself and when he saw it, he was so blown away that he dropped the tablets Yahweh had just given him. Shattered them. The only ones not partying was this tribe called the Levites. So he tells them to grab their swords and go at it. Which they did. They cut a pretty bloody swath through the Golden Calfers. Which was less than what Yahweh wanted to do, but not by much. But I think Moses was mostly mad that he dropped the tablets, because he had to go back up the mountain and get another set, which was another forty days.

And pious as he was, forty days was forty days. He had a wife he hadn't seen.

* * * * *

I was really thinking I was going to be able to explain these people in two reports. I see now how wrong I was. I may never finish, but I will continue.

Because, the amazing thing is, so many Earthlings trace their roots to them, even though neither they, nor their ancestors, spent any time amongst them. There are Earthlings who hate* the descendents of these people, but still trace their roots back to these people.

So, yeah, I'll have to get back to this story.

- Observer003 - Earthlings

*And I do mean hate. Hate as in they want to wipe-them-off-the-face-of-the-Earth hate.

Exodus as Big Red Flag

I've mentioned the Jews a couple of times now, so I guess I should tell you their story. The Jews lived a long time ago. They still live now, but back then they were the Israelites. Or the Hebrews. They had a funny god named Yahweh who liked them so much, he said he was going to treat them special. And if there's one thing you don't want as an Earthling, it's to be treated special by Yahweh. He had some issues. They have whole books of it.

He liked them because of this one guy, Abraham, and told him he was going to make a whole country out of how many kids he was going to have. Then he forgot about it and wandered off. And Abraham's kids moved to Egypt. They were there for a while, but the king of the Egyptians, Pharaoh, started to get nervous because the Hebrews were breeding like rabbits. So he made them work harder, thinking they'd have less time for sex. But they kept at it. So he made them work even harder. But I guess the Hebrews really liked sex. So Pharaoh said, “Well, I guess I'm going to have to kill some of them, then. Just the kids, though.”

Luckily there was one Hebrew woman who had no concept of probabilities. She put her kid in a basket and sent him floating down the river.

* * * * *

The things that could go wrong with you floating your baby down a river:

1. Basket leaks, baby drowns - likely
2. Alligators - likely
3. Death from exposure - likely
4. Just keeps floating out into the ocean and is never heard from again - likely
5. Somebody just as bad off as you will find it and raise it – really, the best that could be hoped for.
6. A rich Egyptian woman will find it and raise it – not likely at all

* * * * *

So a rich Egyptian woman did find the baby and raised him as her own. She called him Moses. And he grew up to be a big guy in Egypt until he killed another Egyptian for beating on a Hebrew. So Moses beat feet out of Egypt and hid out as a sheep raiser.

It was round about then that Yahweh remembered the Hebrews and how he was supposed to give them a big piece of land to live in. He looked around and saw they were all down in Egypt and Pharaoh was being hard on them. Yahweh took this personally because he thought it meant that Pharaoh didn't think he was much of a god and could treat his people any way he wanted.

So Yahweh looked around some more and saw Moses tending his flocks and dropped down to visit him as a burning bush.

* * * * *

Right here, this should have been a big tip off for Moses. Of all possible incarnations, Yahweh chooses this one? I can imagine him sitting in his – office? on the pot? garden? I really don't know where Yahweh did his thinking. But he's going over his list of how to appear to Moses.

1. Jackal-headed man
2. Pure, non-blinding light
3. Blemish-free white bull
4. Storm cloud (good, but might want to save that one)
5. Old, but muscular, man
6. Fawn
7. Frog (May cause confusion later)
8. Fire (hmmmm...)
9. Shrub? (Hey!)
10. Burning Shrub!!!

And Moses doesn't even question this. I think if I was out tending my flocks and a burning bush started talking to me, I'd think I'd been out tending my flocks too long. But Moses buys right in. Of course this is Yahweh, the god of my people. How else would you explain it?

* * * * *

So Yahweh goes, “Moses. Over here.”

“No, not behind the burning bush. I am the burning bush. I appear to you as a burning bush – for reasons that are my own. For who is more inscrutable that the Lord?”

“Surely no one.”

“You got that right. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. I need your help with a problem. My people are suffering down in Egypt.”

“Yeah, I know. I was just there.”

“And you're going back.”

“Eesh. Love to, but I can't. Things are a little hot for me down there right now. You see, I -”

“Yes, I know what you did. Don't worry about it. I'll protect you. I need you to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let my people go.”

“You can't do that?”

“No. It won't work if I do it.”

“How come?”

“Because I'm not going to let him let my people go.”

“Oh, okay.” Moses said. “Really? What? You're not going to let him let your people go?”

“No. Because I want to show him what a tough guy I am. I'm going to send him all these plagues and frogs so everybody learns not to mess with me.”

“Really? What about your people?”

“I'll get to them. Don't worry about them. I've go this really sweet piece of real estate picked out for them. Place literally flows with milk and honey. You're going to love it.”

“Wow. And no one else has found it yet?”

“Actually – well, we'll get to that later. First you've got to go tell Pharaoh to let my people go. I need you to get up in his face and go, 'Let my people go! Let my people go!' ”

“But you're not going to let him let your people go.”

“At first? No. But eventually. It's all in the plan.”

“Okay, but why do I have to keep going to him when you're not-”

“Jesus Christ, will you just do it? I don't have to explain everything to you. You know enough. You've just got to trust that I've got it all worked out.”

So Moses went up to Pharaoh. The first time, Moses turned his stick into a snake to put a little fear into him. And Pharaoh is like, “Whoop-di-doo. Even my guys can do that.” I don't think Yahweh even had to harden his heart on that one.

The next time, Moses turned all the water in Egypt into blood. Like something from a horror movie. But Yahweh hardened Pharaoh's heart and he said, “No, you can't go.”

The time after that, Yahweh hit them with a plague of frogs. Frogs everywhere.

“I woke up and there” - this is Pharaoh talking now - “There was one staring me right in the eye. I freaked. I was, like, 'Blah! Blah! Get out of here!' Then I jumped out of bed and almost skidded out the window. Those things are slick. You ever step on one? Gross. And they were all over. You can't walk anywhere because you have to watch every step. I was in a meeting and one jumped up and hit a eunuch right in the face. That was funny, though. It was like a big wet slap in the face. Psshh.”

And Moses goes, “So let my people go.”

And Pharaoh starts to waver, because it's, like, frogs.

* * * * *

How do you even come up with that? In a hundred years of coming up with bad things to do to people, I would never come up with frogs. Or, if I did, I would just giggle and move on. Frogs. Jeezus.

* * * * *

But, anyway, just as he was about to give in, Yahweh hardened his heart.

“You know what? This is bad. So why don't you – no.”

“No?”

“No, you can't go.”

“But you were about to say something else.”

“Yeah, I was gonna – No.”

Moses looks up at the sky, then back at Pharaoh.

“You're sure?”

“Ah, to hell with – No.”

The time after that, I think it was locusts. They are bugs that eat everything.

And by the third time, Moses was just like, “Let my people go.”

“No.”

“Okay.”

And he started to go, but Pharaoh goes, “You know, it really doesn't seem like your heart is in this anymore.”

“Huh? Oh, no, no. I meant it. It's just that – well, I guess our god has got some issues to work out. And I need to apologize for that.”

“Oh, gods. Pshaw. Don't get me started. We've got gods with bird heads. I mean, you've heard of bird-brained? These guys have whole bird heads.”

Moses nods. “Yeah. Yeah. You know, when this whole thing is over, we should sit down and have a beer. Our god – Well, if I had known going in, I might have, well – Never the easy way with this one, I'll say that.”

“Yeah, and you know – and definitely about that beer by the way – but I'm really sorry about this whole not letting you go thing. 'Cause it's weird. Every day I wake up and say, 'I really should let these people go. I mean, I really have no reason to keep them.' But then it's like somebody flips a switch and I get all jerk about it.”

Moses just nodded and left.

“I'll call you about that beer. That's one thing I'll miss about this place. You guys brew some kick ass beer.”
 

Next came hail. Which had to be a hard threat to sell for Moses. What did Pharaoh know from frozen water? He lived in a desert. Regular water falling from the sky was rare enough, but frozen water falling from the sky? So Moses had to explain hard bits of water falling from the sky, which he had never seen himself.

“Hard water? I don't get it. Water isn't hard. Look, I can put my had right through it.”

“Right, but this is going to be water you can't put your hand through.”

“Why not?”

“Because it's hard.”

“What do you mean, 'it's hard'? Water is water. It doesn't get hard.”

“But – Look. From what I understand it's going to be almost like rock falling from the sky.”

“So rocks are going to fall from the sky.”

“No. Hard water.”

“Okay, look. Whatever. We've had water fall from the sky before. It doesn't happen often, but, to tell the truth, I kinda liked it. It's breaks up the monotony of sun, sun, sun all the time. So Yahweh can make hard water fall from the sky for forty days and forty nights for all I care. Bring it on.”

* * * * *

Really, if you're going to make a threat, you have to make sure the guy understands the threat, or else it doesn't work.

* * * * *

So this is when things really started to get dark. Yahweh told Moses to smear lamb's blood over all the Hebrews' door jambs because he's going to kill all the first born in Egypt, Earthlings and cows. (Yahweh had a thing for firstborns.) The lamb's blood would tell him which houses to skip. (I know. This from Mr. Omniscient.)

So Moses did this and Yahweh did his thing, after which he finally let Pharaoh let the Hebrews go. Oh, but with one little kicker. Yahweh told Moses to tell the Hebrews to go to their neighbors to ask to “borrow” all their gold and silver. This is going to work because Yahweh is going to soften their hearts. Like using that skill wouldn't have helped right at the beginning of all this. And the stereotype of the Hebrews being covetous of gold is one they will surely live down in time. Nice thinking ahead, brainiac.

Anyway, they packed up their stuff and headed off into the desert. And Yahweh led the way as a pillar of smoke by day and a pillar of fire at night. Till they go to the sea of reeds. There, Moses turned around to see how they all were doing. And he saw a cloud of dust in the distance, but headed their way. He looked back at Yahweh. He looked at the dust. He looked at Yahweh. He made a gesture that seemed to say, “And just when were you going to tell me about this little part of your plan?”

Yahweh shrugged sheepishly. “Don't worry. This is going to be epic. Legendary.”

* * * * *

I'm guessing at this point Moses wished he'd gotten some credentials from the burning bush.

* * * * *

“It's Pharaoh, isn't it?

“Yup.”

“Brought the whole army, didn't he?”

“Yup.”

“We're trapped against the sea here, you know.”

“You think you're trapped against the sea here.”

“You hardened his heart again, didn't you? I don't believe it.” Moses shook his head. “Whatever. Forget it. You're going to do it anyway. Let's hear your idea.”

“No, let's see it.”

Yahweh took a huge breath, held it, then let it out, slowly but firmly, from his nostrils. He pointed at the sea, which rippled, then parted, revealing a stretch of dry land reaching all the way across. Moses was pretty amazed.

“How long can you keep this up for?”

Yahweh indicated that they should probably hurry.

So they did. All the Hebrews charged into the gap. And a short while after, Pharaoh and all his chariots charged in after them, none of them seeming to notice the weird guy on the side blowing a jet stream of air from his nose. (I wonder if any of them got any god-snot on them?) It was a pretty cliffhanger situation, because the Hebrews just made it across when Yahweh's breath ran out. The water rushed back in and crashed into Pharaoh and his men.

* * * * *

There's a lot more to this story, but I'm going to end here for now. I'll pick it up again in another report. This one was hard because I had to read a lot and think about it.

Observer003 – Earthlings