Feces Projection in Earthling Near Relatives

Earthling toilets. As soon as the light go out, they all shift a little bit back and to the right. I think Earthling women have the right idea: sit on them. That way, if they try to inch away, they have to take you with them. I guess I can't blame the toilets though, considering what their life is about.

And that reminds me. There are animals here called monkeys that are closely related to Earthlings. And they all throw poop. Their own poop. They throw it at each other or other animals. But Earthlings don't. That means there has to have been an Earthling somewhere who went, “Hey! Throwing poop sucks and not just for the recipient. Look at me. I've got poop all over my hand now. And this is the hand I eat with. How did I not notice this before? No wonder I've been sick. I've been eating my own poop. Jeezus, I'm stopping this right now.”

Then:

“Guys! Guys! I just - stop it! I just – Ahg! Wait! I just figured some– Auk! That wen in my mouf! Oh, gawd! Okay, truce! Truce! I just figured this out. Look at your hands now. See? And you're going to eat with those hands?”

And this is the Earthling they're all descended from. I'm glad of it. If I saw them all throwing poop around when I got here? Right back. No way I'm sitting around and watching this all day.

But anyway, that's how Earthlings came to dominate their world. Because, it's not like you're going to take down an elk with a poop, I don't care how big it is. I mean, you could let it sit out for days, but it's never going to get hard enough to do any damage. You're going to need a spear or a good rock. If you want steak, anyway. Plus, the fruit's just going to taste so much better. It'd be like they'd never tasted fruit before.

It probably caused a revolution they spread to other tribes. The first religion. And its first commandment: “First, throw no poop”.

It was a start.

But it always seems to go downhill from there for them. Earthlings religions start off really nice. “Be good to each other, even strangers”, “Hey, look at this tree”, “Stop beating up on women”, “We really have to stop all this killing”, “Share!”.

Then somebody fanatical gets in charge and they start making bad rules. No homos. Women have to shut up. Your way of loving each other is wrong. Convert or die. I've always thought that the worst thing about Earthlings is that they keep trying to make their world a better place to live in.

Death, The Inevitable

Here's something I just found out: When they die? They poop their pants. Seriously. They poop their pants! What the hell? I mean, can you imagine it? Don't. Just don't. I did. You shouldn't. Then, for some reason, I imagined it really slow.

Luckily, I didn't find this out the hard way.Imagine if you were under somebody when they died?

And while I'm thinking of it, I am not dieing here. I mean it. You are taking me back before I die. And I am never, ever going to be around when one of them dies.

Poop their pants. For christ's sake. Really? What kind of last memory is that to leave?

"Well, I'm out of here."

SFX: BLAAAHHRG!

Holy cow! Thanks a lot!

Maybe it's a way of helping survivors through the grief process. Like, I'm sorry you died. But now that you have, I wanna kill you!

"I'm sorry, Martha my love, but I must leave you. The good lord is calling me to heaven."

"Oh, Henry my sweet. How shall I ever go on?"

"Oh, do not grieve, for before you know it, we shall meet in..."

SFX: BLAAAHHRG!

"Darling? Henry! NOOOOOOO! WHY? Oh, why? Heavenly Father, I besea-"

Sniff.

"Oh my Lord, Henry! Did you just- Henry! Oh my Lord! How could you! This is what you leave me? To clean this up? You bastard!"

They don't just dump the body. They have a funeral. They have an elaborate ceremony to bury it, often in a bed nicer than the person ever slept in while alive. And there are Earthlings whose job it is to do all this. Prep the body and dig the hole and everything.

It's not like, "See this? Dig a hole and put this in it. Poop and all. No sense in cleaning it up. Take these sheets, too. And the mattress. Jeezus, take the whole bed. I'm never going to sleep in it again. Disgusting. Poop. Gawd."

Then every Earthling who ever knew the body, or is related to it, has to get in a line to kneel next to the body and pretend to know what to say in their mind. "Well, yup. It's a dead body. Glad it doesn't smell like poop. Is that long enough? Better kneel another minute."

And they can't go in their street clothes. They have to wear special clothes that are only for deaths and weddings. Female Earthlings always look good in these clothes. Male Earthlings always look uncomfortable. The males have a rule that their wedding or funeral clothes can't fit. They have to be too small, so they look sad and about to cry. The females don't have any problem crying. They can watch or hear a story that they know isn't even true and still cry. It's crazy.

- Observer003 - Earthlings