Feces Projection in Earthling Near Relatives

Earthling toilets. As soon as the light go out, they all shift a little bit back and to the right. I think Earthling women have the right idea: sit on them. That way, if they try to inch away, they have to take you with them. I guess I can't blame the toilets though, considering what their life is about.

And that reminds me. There are animals here called monkeys that are closely related to Earthlings. And they all throw poop. Their own poop. They throw it at each other or other animals. But Earthlings don't. That means there has to have been an Earthling somewhere who went, “Hey! Throwing poop sucks and not just for the recipient. Look at me. I've got poop all over my hand now. And this is the hand I eat with. How did I not notice this before? No wonder I've been sick. I've been eating my own poop. Jeezus, I'm stopping this right now.”

Then:

“Guys! Guys! I just - stop it! I just – Ahg! Wait! I just figured some– Auk! That wen in my mouf! Oh, gawd! Okay, truce! Truce! I just figured this out. Look at your hands now. See? And you're going to eat with those hands?”

And this is the Earthling they're all descended from. I'm glad of it. If I saw them all throwing poop around when I got here? Right back. No way I'm sitting around and watching this all day.

But anyway, that's how Earthlings came to dominate their world. Because, it's not like you're going to take down an elk with a poop, I don't care how big it is. I mean, you could let it sit out for days, but it's never going to get hard enough to do any damage. You're going to need a spear or a good rock. If you want steak, anyway. Plus, the fruit's just going to taste so much better. It'd be like they'd never tasted fruit before.

It probably caused a revolution they spread to other tribes. The first religion. And its first commandment: “First, throw no poop”.

It was a start.

But it always seems to go downhill from there for them. Earthlings religions start off really nice. “Be good to each other, even strangers”, “Hey, look at this tree”, “Stop beating up on women”, “We really have to stop all this killing”, “Share!”.

Then somebody fanatical gets in charge and they start making bad rules. No homos. Women have to shut up. Your way of loving each other is wrong. Convert or die. I've always thought that the worst thing about Earthlings is that they keep trying to make their world a better place to live in.