Anyway,
after this, the Israelites decided to regroup at this mountain called
Sinai so Moses could tell them their next move. This is when Yahweh
decided to explain the whole deal to them. It was essentially a
protection racket. “You worship me, and only me, and obey these
rules, and I'll never let anyone hurt you and give you this really
sweet place to live.”
*
* * * *
But
on the way there, the Israelites got attacked by Amalek (I'm not sure
if that's a person or a country). But so long as Moses kept his arms
raised the Israelites won. But when he lowered them, they started to
lose. Weirdest battle strategy I ever heard of. So the battle went
back and forth because Moses's arms would get tired, because battles
last a long time and he just couldn't keep his arms up that long.
Then he realized he should just sit down and have two guys hold his
arms up.
And
Yahweh was so pumped from this that he was all like, "Woo-hoo!
Oh yeah! I'm going to wipe Amalek from history! No one will even
remember they even existed!! Write it down! Write it down that no one
will ever remember Amalek even existed."
So
the Israelites wrote it down in their book. A book, by the way,
that's been translated into every known Earthling language.
*
* * * *
After
that, they made it to Mount Sinai. There, Yahweh called Moses up the
mountain to lay down the law to him. And it was a lot of law. The
whole first part was basically about how everybody should be cool
with each other, no stealing, and if you break something you have to
pay for it. But he sprinkled in some random stuff, I think as a test
to see if anybody actually did the reading.
He'd
be like, “So you read it all?”
And
the Israelites would be like, “Oh, absolutely.”
“Seriously?”
“Totally.”
“Word
for word?”
“Word
for word.”
“Okay,
great. So what's for dinner?”
“Oh,
we're just going to have a little lamb boiled in it's mother's m-”
“AH
HAH!”
Like
that.
The
next part of the rules were all about how to build the ultimate crash
pad that Yahweh could stay in when he came to visit. He was very
specific about size and materials. Very specific. Like he'd
been thinking about it a long time. Like, the whole time the
Israelites were suffering in Egypt, Yahweh was off thinking about his
ultimate crash pad. It was just a tent, but he knew exactly how it
should look. And they also had to build a special box to put all the
rules he was giving them in. And what the priests should wear.
Then
there was a whole part about how to cook out. And Yahweh must have
gone vegan at this point, but reluctantly, because he wasn't going to
eat the animals they sacrificed to him, but he did love the smell. He
was like a guy who quits smoking but still likes to be around other
people who smoke just for the smell. Maybe he was dating a vegan so
he had to be one, too.
And
Moses must have been, like, “Jeezus, This is a lot of stuff. I
can't remember all of it.”
“Oh,
no problem. I wrote it all down for you.”
And
Yahweh handed him these two tablets.
“What?
You got all that on two tablets? Everything?”
“Yeah.
Well, front and back. And I took out all the spaces and vowels.”
But,
in getting all this, Moses was up on the mountain forty days in a
cloud of smoke. It says the whole top of the mountain was covered in
smoke. I guess Yahweh wasn't a smokeless burning bush. And Yahweh
didn't want any of the Israelites to go up on the mountain with
Moses. (There was some kind of security fence around it that killed
anyone who set foot on it.) Maybe because if someone got up there,
they were bound to find out that Yahweh was a burning bush and
wouldn't have understood.
He's
just up there talking to a burning bush.”
“A
what?”
“I'm
not kidding. He's talking to a burning bush.”
“And
the bush is talking back?”
“I
guess so. I didn't get that close. One thing I did hear: No more
shellfish.”
“What?”
“Dude,
we're in a desert. It's not really an issue.”
“That's
not the point. Like circumcision wasn't enough, now no more
Lobsterfests?”
“Wait.
Let's get back to that burning bush. This is what Moses has been
talking to the whole time? Seriously, who here actually knew Moses
before any of this?”
“Wasn't
he wanted for murder? I heard he killed a guy. That's why he left.”
“I
heard he was 40 years herding sheep. That's gotta mess with your
mind.”
“That's
what the smoke was at the front of the line? All this time we were
like, 'Okay, cool. Somebody brought the hibachi.' Because we left in
such a hurry, we forgot ours. But now we know why the burgers never
made it back to us.”
And
it spiraled from there.
“A
flaming shrub? Has anybody besides
Moses heard it talk? Maybe – and I'm just spit balling here – but
maybe we should take half a mo and talk about this. Because I never
heard Abraham, Isaac or Jacob mention a burning shrub. And I think it
would have come up. A golden calf. That was always good enough
before. Aaron? You're good with a hammer. How about hammering us up a
nice golden calf. Who's with me? Because, after all this, I could use
a party. Anyone else? Show of hands? Yeah, I thought so.”
So
they collected all of their gold earrings and Aaron made them into a
nice golden calf for them to party with. They ate, drank and danced
with it. Because you could do that with gods back then. But not with
Yahweh. He heard about it and got pissed.
He was going to wipe them all out right there and Moses had to talk
him down.
Then
Moses went down the mountain to check it out for himself and when he
saw it, he was so blown away that he dropped the tablets Yahweh had
just given him. Shattered them. The only ones not partying was this
tribe called the Levites. So he tells them to grab their swords and
go at it. Which they did. They cut a pretty bloody swath through the
Golden Calfers. Which was
less than what Yahweh wanted to do, but not by much. But I think
Moses was mostly mad that he dropped the tablets, because he had to
go back up the mountain and get another set, which was another forty
days.
And
pious as he was, forty days was forty days. He had a wife he hadn't
seen.
*
* * * *
I
was really thinking I was going to be able to explain these people in
two reports. I see now how wrong I was. I may never finish, but I
will continue.
Because,
the amazing thing is, so many Earthlings trace their roots to them,
even though neither they, nor their ancestors, spent any time amongst
them. There are Earthlings who hate* the descendents of these people,
but still trace their roots back to these people.
So,
yeah, I'll have to get back to this story.
-
Observer003 - Earthlings
*And
I do mean hate. Hate as in they want to
wipe-them-off-the-face-of-the-Earth hate.
