World Religions - Hinduism

The Hindus are different because they have a bunch of gods, some of whom are blue. They even have one with an elephant head, which is really weird because who thought that was a good idea?

"Hey, let's take an elephant head and slap it on a person body and, bam!, we got ourselves a god! That's one more down. How many left?"

The story goes that Ganesha's mom, Parvati, took a bath, collected up the dirt and molded it into Ganesha. (Okay, first off, that's a lot of dirt. If you have that much dirt on you - I've been dirty. I've seen dirty Earthlings - If you have so much dirt on you, you can make a whole other person out of it, you need to be taking way more baths.)

Anyway, Parvati sends Ganesha out to guard the door while she finishes her bath. She wasn't even done! What the heck was she was doing that got her that dirty? That's crazy dirty.

So Ganesha is out guarding the door and Parvati's husband, Shiva, comes home and is like, "Who the heck is this guy?" So he cuts Ganesha's head off. Parvati comes out and is like, "Wah!" So Shiva's like, "Crap!" and grabs an elephant head and slaps it on there. Which makes sense as a stop gap measure. Gotta stop the bleeding. But they leave it there. Jeez mom, take another bath. Wad up another head. Go roll in the mud a little. Would it have killed her?

I don't know. Maybe Ganesha liked the new head. Maybe once you have a prehensile nose, there's no going back to the bump. I don't know. I think I'd stick with it.

Which brings up a whole other thing. Who of these Earthlings, way back ago, thought it was a good idea to evolve away from prehensile tails? Man, I would never have done that. How many times have they been wrapping presents and thought, "Man, if only I had one more hand, just to hold the tape." A prehensile tail would take care of that.

Or, they're carrying groceries in and they drop their keys and they don't want to put anything down because there's snow or it's raining? Bam. Prehensile tail saves the day.

Of all the arguments they have about evolution and intelligent design, I'm not sure where this would fall. If I had a prehensile tail, there would be no way you'd talk me into evolving away from that. I'd take the walking upright and the frontal lobe, sure. But I'd be keeping the tail. And if I had to choose? Tail.

I think a prehensile nose would be better, though.

It maybe falls on the side of intelligent design, but only if the god that made them didn't think of the tails until after he made Earthlings and was working on monkeys.

"Oh man, this is so cool. I wish I'd thought of this for people. Darn it. Oh well."

Pause.

Hey! What if I stuck this on an elephant face? And with big floppy ears. That would be funny! I am so going to do that. Hee-hee!"

Elephants are what happens when a creator god stays up too late.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Eastern Religions: Buddhism

The Buddha had curly hair that he tied up in a bun. He also had these weird, droopy ears that no one wants to talk about. You ask Earthlings about it and they just look at you funny. He also must have been pretty lazy because all the statues I've ever seen of him he's either sitting or laying down. And looks half asleep. But maybe preaching really takes it out of you, so I shouldn't judge.

But, going back to Jesus, at least that guy got around. He went to Galilee. He went to Jerusalem. He as a mover. And they didn't have the good sandals like they have now. These were cheap old ones with no arch support. That had to get old pretty quick.

So maybe Buddha was right to stay put.

So, anyway, everybody had to go to Buddha. He just sat in one spot and everyone came to him. Then he would teach them for a little while and then he'd say, "Okay, I'm going to lie down now. Go away."

By the way, Buddha had super powers. He could witness the Earth really well. (I don't know what this means, but it must be important. Earthlings have a lot of statues of it.) He can also detach himself from things, like maybe his arm or a retina, I guess.

What else, what else? Oh! He might have been gay.

That's not a super power, but when he was becoming Buddha, these three hot chicks tried to make him stop, but he wouldn't. So, I think he had the power to become gay so women couldn't tempt him.

I wish I had that. Because women are very confusing. Especially if you like them. And, if they like you, it's even worse. Because then they have the Power to Stumble You. All of a sudden words don't come out of your brain and your hands suddenly have to find something to do, but they don't know what. (Pick this up? No. Pick this up? No. Go in the pocket. Go out of the pocket. Let's arrange papers! - Like that.)

When Buddha was little, somebody told his dad that he would be either a great king or a great teacher. Since teachers don't get paid that well, his dad tried to push him toward kinging.

But Earthling kids always do the opposite of what their parents want, so he took off to become a teacher. He got so lazy that he even didn't eat for a long time. Then he thought, "this sucks." So he ate something. Then he sat under a tree, which is when the hot chicks came, until he figured it all out. Then he told everyone else how to figure it all out until he ate a bad mushroom and died.

You have to be careful with mushrooms. Some are good; some are bad; and some make you see things. (See things that aren't there, I mean.) To be safe, only eat the ones at the store. The ones you just find are iffy. And don't eat the ones your roommate at school has. Better yet, don't eat any of them. They're fungusses. Why would anybody eat a fungus?

Observer003 - Earthlings

The Arc of Earthling Civilizations

I've identified six stages - no, wait - five stages. Five. Hold on. 

Okay. I've identified four stages (I counted two of them twice, because they broke onto two lines) in the rising and collapsing of all Earthling civilizations. They go like this:

1. Our Forefathers Who Built This Great Nation

This mostly involves killing all the natives, who obviously don't appreciate how good they've got it.

2. My Great Great Grandfather Came Here With Nothing And Built This Company With His Bare Hands and/or From The Ground Up

This inv- well, it's self explanatory.

3. When I Was Your Age

An era when they didn't have to work as hard as the Forefathers, but at least they knew how to work, god damn it.

4. These Kids These Days with Their Long Hair and Crazy Music

Surely the end of this once great nation.

3 and 4 are the longest periods as they circle back on each other in a long downward spiral which ends in the Earthlings becoming natives and new Forefathers moving in.

When they look at where they went wrong, Earthlings always get hung up on blaming These Kids These Days, when it's pretty obvious that the real problem is with the Forefathers. They are work hogs. They use up all the hard work so there's none left by the time they get to Stage Four.

What they need is lazier forefathers. Look at it. By the time Abraham Lincoln died they'd already done all the building log cabins and reading by candlelight there was to do. So they had to go to electric lights and prefabs.

Each generation strip mines all the work, leaving none for the next generation. They think it will last forever. So These Kids These Days are left with rocking out and growing hair. It's the only hard work left. (I've done these two. They aren't that hard.)

Here's a partial list of all the hard work that's gone extinct:

Intercontinental Railway

Plowing The Back Forty

Crushing The Carthaginians

Boldly Going

Putting A Man On The Moon, For Christ Sake

The Alphabet

Making This Marriage Work

Interbreeding with the Neanderthals

Securing The Blessings Of Liberty

Turning Back The Nazi Tide/Defeating The Red Menace

Splitting The Atom

Evolving From Single Celled Organisms

Pizza Delivery In 30 Minutes Or Less

They are really going to have a hard time of it, if they don't get on top of this.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Earthling Sexual Habits - An Introduction

Sex is confusing because each gender is called a sex, and what they do together is also called sex. So, a noun is also a verb. They do that a lot here but you have to stay on top of this one because it can cause a lot of trouble when filling out forms. A good rule of thumb is: when in doubt, go with the noun.

They have two main noun sexes, but there's a lot of wiggle room between them. But I'm not going to talk about the wiggly one's in the middle right now, because no matter what you say, someone gets pissed.

Verb sex is when one or more Earthlings rub one or more of their primary sex parts together. This makes friction and juices. But not like good juices. Not orange juice or even apple juice or lemonade. Definitely not grapefruit juice, which is my favorite. Sex juices are more for making it easier to have babies. But mostly they don't do it to have babies. Unless they really believe in god a lot.

The whole thing is pretty complicated, so I'm going to split it into at least two parts. One for each sex. Until then, here's a basic overview of the parts involved.


Primary Sex Part - Man
Mr. Johnson
also: The Twins

Secondary Sex Parts - Man
Fingers
Fist
Mouth
The Behind (Note: if it's with other men - rarely admitted. Alcohol often involved.)
Foot, Toes
Elbow (rare)



Primary Sex Part - Woman
The Hoo-Hoo

Secondary Sex Parts - Woman
Mouth
Whole Hand
Feet
Cleavage
The Behind (usually considered a Specialty, or alcohol involved.)



Other Things
There's just really too many to go into here. Maybe in another report. Suffice it to say that it really amazes me that girls ever bother with boys anymore.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Archeology

Earthlings a long time ago hated housework. They never did it. When Earthling archeologists dig up old cities now, it's just complete slobbery. Broken pottery, cow bones, seeds, statuary. Ashes. Soot. Art supplies. Things fell and they just left them there. And when they finally got sick of stepping all over them, they just built a whole new house on top of the old house.

The Tower of Babel was just hating housework on an epic scale. They built it up so tall it just fell over. There was so much pottery everywhere the ended up having to build a whole new city. Nightmare.

But this all works out good for Earthling archeologists. They dig down into a city to to find all the layers of the city that came before. So, they can say, "See? This is Mycenaean pottery. So this is when they met the Mycenaeans."

So, slobbiness is good for the future. So, why did they start up with all the house cleaning?

It was the broom that stopped them from building house on house on house. I call it "The Broom Revolution." It was huge. (The revolution, not the broom.) Nobody ever talks about it, but it's up there. The wheel. Agriculture. The broom.

Fire was another good one. But the broom. That was huge.

"Hey honey. I'm home from scything. What's - say what's different around here?"

Honey makes a knowing smirk.

"Oh, my god! What's wrong with the floor? Where's all the stuff on the floor?

"Take a look outside."

He does.

"It's all outside. How did you get it all outside? You picked up each piece and carried it outside individually?"

"Nope"

"Well, how then?"

So she showed him. And their world was never the same.

Observer003 - Earthlings

World History - Part I

I'll start with the Egyptians even though they walked funny. Why did they do that? Sideways. Very strange. It's why they always rode in chariots and had to get the Jews to do all the heavy lifting. And when they left, everything went downhill until they got conquered by Alexander the Great, who wasn't Greek.

Anyway, Egyptians. They built pyramids at first but then they stopped. I think they gave up on it because they were like, "Jeezus, all this for one dead guy? We better not have too many dead guys if this is what we're going to do for each one. I mean, I can see doing it for somebody important. But for everybody? Jeezus. That's a lot of rock. Do the Hittites do this? Does anybody know? We gotta look into that."

Nobody really knows how they did it, but some Earthlings think it was aliens. (Not Mexicans. The aliens that come from space. Like us.) Which is nuts, because why would any of us do that? Come all the way here and build a pyramid just so they can put one dead guy in it? I mean, that's a lot of rock. Do you know any of us who would do that? Me neither. Nuts.

It's weird how much they do for dead people. Even more than they do fro alive people. I've sen dead people buried in nicer beds than most alive people get. And they say nicer things and throw nicer parties for dead people than they ever get when they are alive.

Anyway, up next: The Greeks. Or maybe the Hittites. I haven't decided.

Observer003 - Earthlings

Climate

Wind is funny because, look: when you have an area of high pressure and an area of low pressure, they have to balance out. So the extra air moves from where there's a lot, to where there's a little. This is wind.

But the funny wind is the little gusts. It's like a little clump of air that wandered off at the museum and didn't get back to the school bus on time. So it goes "Oops" and runs after the rest of itself. Gusts are like ADD air.
I know it does the same thing back home, but I always thought it was funny and wanted to say it.

Other than this the weather is pretty normal. Some places it's hot all the time. Other places it's cold all the time. Other places can't make up their minds. This is actually most of the places. So you don't know what to wear half the time.

I always wonder about the people who were wandering around, looking for a new place to live, and they stopped in one of the really cold places. I can't imagine what they were thinking. And all they get to eat is blubber. Whale blubber. Seal blubber. I don't know what other blubbers there are. But I can't believe there's any much difference in them.

"What do you say, people? All the blubber you could eat, and say good-bye to mowing the lawn! And there's so much ice we could make houses out of it. I'm serious. I bet we could really do that."
"Okay, Gamoo. How about this: You stay here and start setting up camp. We're going to scout a little further ahead just to see what's there. Promise we'll be back by nightfall."

Of course, nobody knew it, but lucky for that group, nightfall was still another 5 months away.

There's more to this. So, I'll have to revisit it at some point.


Observer003 - Earthlings